How to Develop Self Compassion
Self-compassion.
It is a term that is often associated with self-care but I think that it needs more of an explanation than just something that we do for ourselves. Self-compassion is defined by Kristin Neff as being “warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.” It is not just being kind to yourself.
The reality is that most of us don’t realize how we speak to ourselves especially in regards to how we motivate ourselves to accomplish our goals. There is the usage of comparison to others to accomplish goals such as “that person is mowing their lawn at 6 am every day so I should too” And if you don’t meet that expectation then comes the questioning of there being something wrong with yourself.
Or there can be the self-criticism of pointing out things about our bodies that we want to change and make ourselves feel bad to do the work. For example, I need to run 6 miles every day so my body can change, and then I’ll be happy.
The clients that I see struggle with self-compassion in some way. I personally have struggled with self-compassion and I do believe that it is a skill that we need to constantly be working on and building strength. For the purpose of this post, I am going to provide tips to build self-compassion skills as if this is our first day working on building this skill.
Identify when you need to have self-compassion. We can understand what the definition of self-compassion is but sometimes we may struggle with figuring out when we would need to apply it in our lives. One way that I have clients apply it is by noticing when things do not go as planned and what thoughts they say to themselves. For example, a kid’s pickup is at 3:30 and it takes 15 minutes to get there on time. If you leave at 3:20 you are already late and often times the way you are speaking towards yourself could be “I should have left sooner”; “you are always running late; the teachers are going to upset for having to wait”; “You are so irresponsible”. You are probably saying these things to yourself as your speeding towards pickup and getting upset with the cars that are driving slow and in your way.
Outside looking in, being late to pick up is not cause to speak badly about yourself. It happens. Now, I’m not advocating for being late every day but it happens. We can acknowledge that something didn’t go as planned and not make ourselves feel bad. This is an area where we need self-compassion.
Take a self-compassion break. I first heard of a self-compassion break while taking an e-course by Brene Brown and Kristin Neff. It is that you acknowledge “this is a moment of suffering” for you; you acknowledge that “suffering is a part of the human experience”; and then you make a declaration to yourself “may I be kind to myself and give myself the compassion that I need.”
Now, I’ll be honest, the first time I tried this break I didn’t believe it would work. But we do a version of this break to others when we notice that they are suffering. We acknowledge, sometimes we try and give an example of when it happens to us to make them feel better, and then we show them compassion. This is just the practice of doing it for ourselves.
Practice mindfulness. Meditation is a practice that may not be for everyone but it can help with developing the skill of just noticing a thought or emotion without judgment or interpretation. It is a hard skill to master but any work towards developing it can have profound positive effects. I recommend using the Headspace or Calm app.
Journal. Writing down our experiences can give us an opportunity to reflect at a slower pace about areas of our lives that we want to work on or need extra support. Here are some of my favorite prompts to start off:
What stressful circumstance are you currently facing? If you had a friend in the same situation, what advice would you give them?
Did you recently make a mistake and get upset with yourself? What can you say to yourself now to replace beating yourself up with grace and self-compassion?
Affirmations. Repeat affirmations to yourself. I encourage the usage of affirmations whether to speak them or write them on post its that are displayed all-around your home. They are a great tool in shifting negative thoughts about yourself. Here are some of my favorites:
I offer myself the same kindness I show to others
I am healing through self-compassion
It’s okay to make mistakes; it doesn’t mean I am a bad person.
I did the best I was capable of at the moment.
In what ways can you show yourself self-compassion today?