Creating a "To Don't" List

I first heard of the concept of a “To-Don’t” list at a motherhood group meetup just after I had my first child. We were discussing how the becoming of mothers introduced a new identity for ourselves. Since it was the beginning the idea was that we could discuss the boundaries and hopes we had for ourselves and a “To-Don’t” list could help navigate the values we hoped to set up in this identity. Some examples that arose were: “Don’t wait until your kids are older to travel”; “Don’t worry about messy moments”; “Don’t solve your kid’s problems”.

One concept of a “To Don’t” list is to provide a list of the values that we hold for ourselves and don’t want to compromise on. They help remind us of what we hold dear. In the examples above, one mother in that group loved to travel and felt that it was no longer going to be part of her identity. She wrote her travel value into her “To Don’t” list so that she could be reminded that it was possible to continue to travel despite having children and she wanted to integrate both into her identity. 

Another way, I have used a “To Don’t” list is with clients to identify tasks that need to get done but don’t necessarily have to be done by you. It is the act of identifying the non-important tasks and then delegating them to others if possible. Continuing to expand on the productivity theme on the blog this week, it is important to note that productivity and busyness are two different things. 

When we are busy, we can be completing tasks off our list but they may not be getting us closer to our goals. Often when I reflect on busyness, I think back to when I was in graduate school. Anytime it was time to write a paper I always seemed to get the motivation to clean my house just as a sat down to write. Now, while cleaning my home was important; writing that paper was productive while cleaning my home was busyness at that time. 

Clients found it helpful to sit down and write the tasks that needed to be done whether in their home, at work, in relationships, etc. After writing down the tasks, they would designate whether the task needed to be done by them or if it could be done by someone else or could be postponed. Those tasks that could be designated or postponed would go on the “To Don’t” list. This would help in aligning with working towards goals and increase feelings of accomplishment. 

Have you heard of a “To Don’t” List? How could it be helpful in delegating tasks or setting boundaries in a certain identity?