Navigating Pregnancy Loss

As we transition to the last three months of the year and begin to reflect on all the happenings, often we gravitate towards all the positives that occurred. We may want to focus on the accomplishments and while the negatives may be identified, often there is an internal push to focus on the positive or the things we can control and move on. This internal push may come from within yourself or from others in your circle of influence urging you to focus on the positives. 

That experience, while common, does not leave room for sitting in the uncomfortable; for acknowledging and validating the pain a person may be feeling during a given time. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss and while it is a heartbreaking topic, it is one that needs to be given space to speak about if only for the purpose of continuing to bring awareness that it happens. In actuality, it happens more often than one would expect. 

For a parent, losing a child is probably one of the hardest experiences. It is an experience that often others do not want to speak about and seem uncomfortable even mentioning it with the individuals who have experienced it. Going through that experience can feel isolating just for the fact that others do not want to speak about it. People may struggle to find comforting words for the person or themselves, or feel uncomfortable with managing the emotions that may arise. 

Speaking from the lived experience as an Afro Latina, there are unspoken rules regarding talk about family problems. Whether to avoid embarrassment or avoid making others uncomfortable it is frowned upon to speak openly about issues. There may be a time and place such as a funeral after the loss but the expectation is to begin to move on. This may lead families, especially mothers to feel that they need to suffer in silence and navigate this grief alone. 

However, the reality is there is no one way to grief. Grief is not what you may always see on tv of loud, uncontrollable crying over the loss. Sometimes it looks more quiet and pensive as individuals process. It can look like a combination of the two. Regardless, grief, especially grief after pregnancy or infant loss is complicated. There is so much praise and celebration surrounding pregnancy and birth (there should be) but there is little room for those that are going through a different experience. 

Feedback I have heard before is, “ Well, I don’t know what to say; I don’t want to make things worse”. The thing is you don’t have to have the perfect words to acknowledge that the loss is hard. The loss of a pregnancy or infant is not anyone’s fault. Sometimes there isn’t a clear answer as to why it happened. However, being seen and acknowledged can make such a difference. Ask the person what they may need or admit “I don’t know what to say but I am here to listen”. Those words are so validating and important. 

A family going through this experience is still trying to make sense of it all. Just listen and don’t offer advice. I know it is uncomfortable to see a loved one hurting and you may want to encourage them but the best way to help them is to meet them in their shared emotional experience. As a therapist, I am aware that it is one of the privileges of my job to listen to others’ stories and provide support. One of the most common phrases I hear from clients is, “I didn’t have anyone who I could talk to about this. I just felt like others expect me to be over it by now but I’m not”.

So, see, it really makes a difference to sit and listen. 

Lastly, a part of grieving can be how to honor the loss. Ask the family or mom if she would like to honor the loss. If not, that’s okay too. This may look like having a funeral or doing a special gathering to honor the hopes of the life lost. Again, there is no right way to heal. Ask the grieving family what they would like and follow through on showing up for them. 

Remember you don't need to have the answers for everything or make anyone feel better. That is such an immense pressure to put on yourself and honestly, “feeling better” is going to look different for everyone. Instead, just continue to check in with your loved ones and ask how you can support them. Bringing awareness to this topic is important and shining light on all aspects of pregnancy or infancy makes room for all experiences during this time.